Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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