I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
