I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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