The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
