you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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