Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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