How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
