I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
