Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
A+ Viking dick
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
