I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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