Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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