When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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