i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
the condom got lost in my hair
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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