You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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