I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
pop tarts are not kleenex
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
