Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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