just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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