I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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