Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
