Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
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