the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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