I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
