By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
