Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
