My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
