You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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