omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
