He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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