Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
