but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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