Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
