I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
