Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
