I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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