He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
