Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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