I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
