Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
