We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
