I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
