I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
