I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
