If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
