i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
