My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
