nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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