just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
