mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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