you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
send nudes
from the living room?
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