The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
