saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
