he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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